It's been three weeks since I told you to come back tomorrow. For three weeks I've been sitting on that lovely stump called writer's block, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes the best way to get past it is just to write anyway. It's not always pretty and polished, and sometimes it's just downright ugly, but I have to forge ahead. (Also, I'm going on nine months without a good night's sleep, so if you think it's terrible, I'll allow you to say, "Bless her heart, she must be tired.") When I started the series about stay-at-home vs. working moms, I had a million thoughts swimming through my brain, but I just can't quite seem to really get a grip on a single one. So, I'm going to be a truth-teller, and I can't worry any more about who I'm going to offend or who is going to look at me differently. For me, it all boils down to this....I'm scared.
I did them both, and I did the best I could at it. Well, most of the time I did. For me, the choice is clear that I would love to be at home for as long as I could, but the fact of the matter is that it's just not feasible for our family. I wish it was, but it's not. I'm not resentful of the fact that I'll be going back to work, but that doesn't mean that I won't cry sometimes. I know that so much is going to change as I do return to the world of working moms. I'd like to say that I will cherish each moment with them and make every moment count, but I won't. I'll do my best, but sometimes I'll be tired. Sometimes the best that I'll be able to do is sit on the couch at the end of the day and watch four episodes of Peppa Pig. I don't judge other moms for doing it, so I'll try to forgive myself as well. I'll look for those Kairos moments when time stands still and things are perfect, and I will cherish that moment and hold it in my heart with a death grip while I go through my work days until the next time one presents itself.
More than anything I am scared because I don't want my friendships to change. I have been on the mountains and in the trenches of stay-at-home mommyhood this year, and I know that sometimes moms need an outlet, and soon I'll have work for that while my friends who stay-at-home will be desperately seeking time with other adults and conversations that do not include words like potty or boo-boo. And although I love teaching and I'm thankful for my career, my heart will ache to be at home, so I'm afraid. I'm afraid, because I know that sometimes I hear SAHMS complaining about how they feel like they are going to go crazy being home. Believe me, I've had my days, but I try so hard to keep my complaints to those few friends who have seen me at my best and worst, because I know that broadcasting my "poor me, I have to spend all my time with my children" rants on the Internet is only going to twist the knife of jealousy into the wound of those who desire with everything in them to be at home.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to try to make my life seem perfect....it's not. Being a mom is HARD, and being a wife is HARD, and sometimes being a friend is HARD, but pretending to be a perfect mom, wife, or friend is harder. And the hard work of being any and all of those is what makes life so beautiful. So, whether you love it or hate it, remember that your words effect those in your circle. Don't judge others for whatever motherhood choices they are making, because you never know their reasons, their stories, or their journeys unless you're willing to really listen.
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