The Fight That Gets Us Fired Up, Part Two

This is the second part in a three part series about working moms vs. stay-at-home moms.  To be clear, I do not think that one is better than the other, I think that it is a personal choice that every mom must make, taking into account every aspect of their family life.  This is just my thoughts on the positive and negatives that I experienced into my foray into both sides of motherhood.  To get caught up, go back one post and read part one, because you'll be really lost and won't understand a thing if you don't.  No, I'm kidding.  But, here we are now in 2008, and after a year of being home with my firstborn son, I was about to enter the world of the working mom.

As I said, before, I was not happy, but I was doing what I knew I needed to do for our family.  I went into a new district with a nontraditional, high stress classroom setting, and that did not help matters.  The first few weeks, I would cry every time I would think about my son, Brennon, being away from me for so long, but once school actually started, I didn't have time for that.  What I know is this:  I.  Was.  Tired.  Sure, I was pregnant and had a 14 month old, but really I felt stretched thin.  Maybe all working moms don't feel that, but I did.  Thankfully, I had a job that I liked to go to, but I would often think of all those moms that didn't enjoy their jobs.  Moms who were working one and sometimes two jobs out of necessity.  Moms who would spend their time away from their children unhappy.  Moms who (like most working moms) end up spending a lot of their paycheck on childcare.  I realized how precious my time when I was not at work was, and I felt bad.  My poor one friend that I talked about in the last post.  She had been working full-time the whole time and never once complained when I asked her to take time on one of her sacred days off to take care of my child so that I could have a break.  Staying at home, most mothers feel like they need a break like an occasional night out with friends, but as a working mom, my only break was work.  I made a few more friends now that I was outside of the house more, and sometimes they would ask me to go do something with them on a weekend, and I would think, "I already spend so much time away from my kid, why would I want to take even more time away from him?"  It was a completely different dynamic.

New curriculum = More boxes = More forts!  Score one for the working mom!

I worked for four years before taking another year off.  The first year was an adjustment, the second year was my first year working while having two kids.  That year, I was in a dark place.  It wasn't just because I was working.  I struggled with a major bout of postpartum depression.  I had the hardest class of my career.  I wanted to move back home to Springfield.  My husband's career took unexpected turns.  It was a tough year.  This is a time that I feel deserves its own blog post, but frankly, I'm not ready to be as honest about it as I feel I need to be.  The time will come, but not now.  The deal was, I think that it was working at that time that saved me.  I would cry and cry about how much I wanted to be at home with my kids, but sometimes God has you somewhere because he knows what's best for you better than you do.  The routine of having to get up and look decent, going to work, teaching a class, seeing other adults, and trying to make the most of my time with my kids was ultimately a large part of me getting through that time.  I won't ever try to make a working mom feel like I judge her for being away from her kids, because sometimes that's the thing that saves her.

After the darkness was gone, I worked for two more years in a wonderful setting.  It was pretty ideal as far as teaching goes...good school, wonderful team, kids were in good childcare, and we didn't have a lot of unnecessary after-school activities that kept me from going home to my children.  I was good at my job and I loved the children I taught, but because of who I am (not anybody else, just me), my heart still ached to be at home with my kids.  I wouldn't stay after school late to get work done and I wouldn't do any work at home until my kids were in bed asleep.  Because of this, I had a hard time finding balance.  I'm sure that there are working women who rock at this, but it wasn't me.  If you need to grade papers from the time the kids go to sleep until 10:30, you aren't paying much attention to your husband either.  When you have to spend one of your precious weekend days cleaning your house, because the laundry can't do itself during the day, it can be frustrating.  If you come home from work and want to play on the kitchen floor, but have to go make dinner, it can be frustrating, but as a working mom, you make it work.  As a mom who worked, I was always a better manager of my time, because it was such a precious commodity. 

To me, balance was the struggle of the working mother more than anything else.  For this reason, I try my best as a stay at home to honor those women who are trying to do it all, because in my world, it made me weary.  Maybe it's because I live in a real world, where working to me wasn't about trying to show my boys that women can work and be mom, working for me was about trying to contribute to our family financially, and I am thankful that I could do it with a job that I was good at and that I enjoyed.    Thankfully, I feel like I'm a little bit of a natural teacher, because if my job was something that I wasn't too great at on my own, I probably would've cried some more.  My experience as a working mom taught me that your circle of people are there for a reason.  So, if all of your friends are stay at home moms or all of your friends are working moms, why not cross the fence and realize that we all bring something amazing to the table.  We are all moms, and that is magical.

Come back for part three tomorrow....what I've learned now that I've been both.

The Fight That Gets Us Fired Up, Part One.

Working mom vs. Stay-at-home mom.  I don't understand why we need to fight about it.  I really don't.  I think that our world works better with both of us in it, and we should be discussing instead of talking at each other.  Here's the deal, I've done them both.  Mommy guilt is a part of both, and maybe that's what motivates moms to bash the other side, to help them feel better about their own decisions.  I don't know, but I have some thoughts about both that I believe are worth sharing, so that's what I'm here to do.  This post is part one, the stay at home mom of one.

When I was pregnant with Brennon, the hubs and I made plans to move to Kansas.  I'm not going to go into all the details, but the fact was the reason that we were moving was to better our family financially and to make it possible for me to be home with our child(ren in the future).  I was willing to give up my highly desired teaching position at a prominent district in order to be home with my baby.  It was in my heart to do it.  Did I work hard to start my career?  Absolutely.  Did I love teaching?  Of course.  Did I feel like I was taking one in the gut for feminists everywhere?  Um, no.  I also didn't feel like I was persuaded by some secret army of housewives to become one of them.  It was a decision that Ryan and I made together.  It was personal.  I wanted to take the time to savor each and every moment with my son for whom we had waited and waited and waited. 

So, with a three and half week old baby, we moved and got settled and I enjoyed my time at home.  I spent time having fun with my boy.  I didn't make mommy friends, I wasn't as productive as I should have been, and I didn't really think about how my staying at home effected anyone else inside or outside my circle.  I had a much harder time being away from my family than I ever thought I would.  I would second guess my decisions sometimes and wonder if I was doing things wrong.  I probably watched much more television than I should have.  I would ask my one friend to watch him sometimes on the weekend for a few hours, because he was easy and I wanted to have time to just be a couple.  She was great and told me she didn't care, because she had a son who loved Brennon.  I was not a perfect mom at all, but I know I was a good mom, and I loved my boy more than life itself. 

I remember so much about that year with my Brennon.  I remember rocking him, singing to him, watching Baby Einstein and talking about what was on the screen, reading, reading, reading, and more reading.  I remember details about that year, because I'm that crazy lady who feels like I cannot forget anything, because life just won't be as important if there aren't 15,000 pictures to document each year (I'm still working on this!)  I did things like take him to the pumpkin patch and the Christmas parade, because he was sure to remember it all, right?  It wasn't perfect, and I remember thinking that life with a baby was really hard sometimes, but it was my life and I didn't want to change it.  B was such a good baby, and at some point during that year, I remember Ryan's uncle saying, "Oh, he's an easy baby.  She's going to want another one soon." 

See, I told you he'd remember it....and he looks thrilled, right?  His friend, Drake, is the son of my one and only friend that I mentioned.  They are still good friends to this day!

I didn't want to go back to work, but I knew I had to for the financial well-being of our family.  I was sad.  Really, really sad.  I cried a lot.  I cried some more and told that one friend that I was going to miss everything.  I found a great sitter, and I felt a little better.  I told myself it would be okay, because I had the perfect schedule if I did have to work, and then a few days before I went back to work, I found out we were pregnant again.  So, I cried some more.  Not about having another baby.  I wanted that (as predicted by Uncle Right-on-the-Nose).  But I cried because I was hormonal and leaving my baby and probably also because of things like the cankles were coming back or worrying about if my new teacher friends would like me or my hair looked funny today or that pizza didn't have enough sauce.  All valid concerns during pregnancy, but still, what kind of mom would I be leaving my son everyday? 

Now, I'm not judging, remember this was called part one.  Guess what?  There's more.  In fact, there are two more parts to this.  That may seem like too much, but I am certain that every mom out there has either felt or fought from feeling many of the emotions that I will address, and in the next one, it gets real.  I'm going to be completely honest about more than what I'm comfortable with, but what I know needs to be put out there.  Stay tuned...

What I Know

As a woman who has had three children in five years, I've learned a lot.  I have all the answers.  No, I'm totally kidding.  There is a lot of stuff I do not know, such as why I can cook almost anything except for fried eggs, why nap times are never when you need them to be (it's like they don't even care that you would like to go somewhere), or why boys of all ages have really terrible aim (yuck!).  However, I have had a lot of experiences that I feel give me a bit of wisdom that I can pass on.  I have a lot of friends with babies right now, so I thought I'd pass on what little bit of knowledge I have to you. 

First of all, you are going to get bombarded with stuff that you "have to have" for your baby that you and your baby don't really need at all.  For example, wipes warmers.  Would you like your booty wiped with a warm wipe?  Sure, but guess what, you don't need it.  My firstborn had this luxury, and it was wonderful....until you were out in public somewhere and he screamed like you were a monster when you wiped him with a cool wipe.  Oh the horror...somebody call social services, I can't believe she just wiped him with a non-warmed wipe.  Yeah, it broke a few weeks after that, and by broke I mean, started smelling like it was burning and this momma didn't want my house to be burnt down so my baby's booty could be warm.

There are a few things that you really should get too, and although everybody has a different opinion, I'm just going to give you mine (the most important one on this blog).  I'm totally kidding...please don't think I'm a jerk...keep reading...please.  I'm just going to tell you about a few things that have made my life as a mom to a baby easier...and then I'm going to post another post tomorrow that talks about the real stuff, so come back then, but still pass this on to the new mommies you know!

Ok, here we go.  My dear friend, Kathy, gave me the book The Happiest Baby On The Block when I was pregnant with Brennon.  I read it, and listened to the main points, but the deal was that Brennon was probably the easiest baby in the world, so it didn't really matter.  Then came the next one, and Gavin was, well, not the easiest baby in the world.  This book became my lifesaver, and by the time boy #3 came along, the book's main points had become second nature to me.  Seriously so helpful.

Invest in some good teethers.  They make your life so much easier.  The best one ever is hard to find in stores, but you can get it on Amazon, and it's called The Wimmer.  I seriously bought an extra one when I was afraid I lost it once.  It's so easy to clean too, so woo hoo!  The other teether you need is Sophie the Giraffe.  I know you're thinking, $20 for a teether, what a rip!  (Or at least I was!)  But really, it is so great and all my boys love it as a toy beyond the teether.  Also, the hubs calls it their dog toy, because it squeaks, so maybe don't take that one to church.

The not most fun, but necessary item you need to know about is called Calmoseptine.  It's a diaper cream (and used for a whole slew of other things mentioned on the package that are too gross to talk about here).  Now, you don't need this if your baby's bottom gets a little red, but if you have a serious diaper rash you're dealing with, it is the only thing that will clear it up on even the most sensitive skin in no time.  Most pharmacies keep it behind the counter, so don't spend forever looking for it, just ask.  It's like that little gem you've never heard of, but once you use it, you can't believe people aren't shouting it from the rooftops. 

Finally, once your baby is sitting up and starting to crawl, you're going to want one awesome toy that you'll totally get your money's worth on, and the best one ever is this house.  My boys have all loved it, and still do.  Even my oldest will play with it with his baby brother, Fletcher.  The other great thing about it is that it doesn't waste batteries.  As much as this thing is played with, the batteries last forever.  (Oh, and go ahead and buy stock in AA batteries now, trust me, in the future, you'll be happy you did!) 

Ok, I know this didn't pertain to everyone, but I remember what it was like to be a new mommy and be overwhelmed by everything available for babies.  If I helped even one of you, I did my job.  Now, go kiss your babies and don't feel bad about rocking them, it's not time wasted.  You will never, ever regret taking the time to do it.  And remember these two things, 1.  You are doing a good job.  You are tired and hormonal and maybe losing your hair, but you are doing a great job!  and 2.  You are the expert on your baby.   Hope I helped, and remember to come back tomorrow and get a good talking to!

High Five For Friday!

I love the idea of High Five For Friday (H54F)...looking back on the week and seeing the highlights of where you've been and what you've done.  I've read a lot of blogs that participate, but I never had.  So I decided with a week as packed full as ours was, it was the perfect time for me to do it, so here we go...

1. We started the week in Springfield for Easter.   We sure missed having Ryan there with us on Easter morning, but it was still fun and special as we celebrated our risen Lord with Gramma and Poppo!

2. On Tuesday, my baby Fletcher turned 8 months old!  I hate it!  No, I don't, but it's just that delicate balance between wanting my baby to stay tiny forever and enjoying seeing him grow.  But seriously, I do not like the fact that he's getting past the part where he lets me hold him forever, because he wants to be down and exploring the world around him.  8 months...how can this be?

3. Wednesday was my birthday! Woo hoo! It was actually really super.  The hubs actually stayed home on his day off, took care of all the laundry and dishes, brought me flowers and a gift certificate to a massage (who doesn't love that!?!) and we went to lunch in Bartlesville at my favorite restaurant, Frank & Lola's...YUM!  Also, that night my father-in-law and dear friend, Jenifer came over to join us for carrot cake!  It was such a nice, special day...I really loved it!  And also, who doesn't love birthdays on Facebook? You can't help but feel special!

4. Yesterday was Elegant Day in kindergarten. The kids dressed elegantly, ate elegantly, read and sang elegantly, and ballroom danced together. It was probably the sweetest thing ever, and this mama got a little teary at the sight of Brennon dancing with his sweet friend, Kenedi. It was like a glimpse into his future as I know someday he'll be dancing with a girl (other than me...boo hoo!) at his prom and even his wedding. On those days, I'm sure it will seem like just a whisper away from this day. My son is so handsome, just like his daddy. Be still my heart...

5. Yesterday, Gavin also had an Easter party at preschool. It was so cute. The kids had made fruit kabobs with marshmallows, there was a chocolate fountain, a lemonade fountain, cookies, and an Easter egg hunt. They even told us their Bible verse, all with cute little actions. We love Gavy's school, and he does too!

 

  

Hope y'all have a fab Friday & a great weekend. I sure plan to!
If you want to do your own H54F, you can link up over here!

My Gift of Remembrance

It always rains on April 2nd. Or at least it has for the last ten years. I know you probably think that's some crazy statistic that I made up, but I promise that it is not. I know this because the rain is a gift to me. A gift of remembrance as my firstborn son celebrates another birthday with Jesus. When you lose a child, it goes against the natural order of things. It's a make or break time in your life in so many ways...in your faith, your relationships, your hope. At first it was unbearable, and Ryan and I were starting our married life together and clinging to each other with absolute desperation as we endured the horribleness of the situation. We went back and forth with being mad at God, having questions, and feeling like we just wanted Him to hold us in the palm of his hand. And he did. Through it all, he did. And now, all this time has passed and while the hurt has faded, we still have Connor Patrick Wall engraved on our hearts, just as He has us engraved in his hand. The rain is mine though, and I welcome it. When we were finally blessed with our other children, it seemed as if the rest of the world breathed a sigh of relief. Oh good, now they have children, now we don't have to bring up the uncomfortable situation of the son that they lost. The elephant was out of the room, left the building, and had pretty much traveled out of this country. I'm so blessed with Brennon, Gavin, and Fletcher. Don't get me wrong, I have accepted the situation, and I know that someday we will be reunited and my children here will meet their older brother. But on this day, I want to remember, I don't want to forget. And so on this day, Jesus reminds me that it is okay to cry for him, but only for a time, because he is so busy having another amazing birthday celebration which would put all my perfectly planned parties to shame. And on earth a party better than one of mine might irk me, but for my boy, it brings me hope and a perfect peace. Mommy loves you. XO