Brutal

Today was hard.  Brutal.  Sometimes being a mom is super hard.  Sometimes life in general is hard.  It doesn't mean that I'm failing as a mother or that I'm doing life wrong.  It is just hard, because it is.  As one of my favorite author's, Glennon Melton, says, "Life is brutiful."  So even though today there were tears and moments of panic where I thought I might literally lose all my hair because I will pull it out (and if there were any left, it would all be gray), there were also those moments through the day where Jesus whispered to me, "I didn't forget you.  I am right here with you.  I care about the little things that are on your heart."  And I am also fairly certain that he reminded me to take a lot of deep breaths.

On a day where I was pretty sure everything that could have gone wrong did, he reminded me of his love in the little things like my oldest son asking if he was being a good helper to me.  Or my middle son demonstrating his truly loving heart (in between temper tantrums).  Or my toddler who I am pretty sure is trying to break me, showing me pure joy and giving me kisses that he is usually very stingy with after we had been apart a few [much needed] hours.  Or hearing my baby's beautiful heartbeat.  Or having my husband tell me to turn on a movie for the big kids and go take a nap.  (He is worth his weight in gold.)  Or maybe it's by showing me that the friends I am blessed with and sometimes feel distant from because we are all living this hard life really are right there when you need them the most.  Or maybe it's the friend who lets you cry like the crazy hormonal lady you are, but still makes you feel like your reasons are completely valid.  Or maybe it's the fact that I did hear Jesus when he told me to take those breaths.  Or getting to sit and watch my kid do his best or even struggle in something that he loves.  Those things, those are the way Jesus shows his love to me on these hard days.  So, who needs a burning bush?  The only fires I like include s'mores anyway.

As for tomorrow, I have hope.  It's going to be a great day.  Or maybe it'll be hard and brutal and crazy, but at least I know that even if it is, there will be beautiful miracle moments in there somewhere.  But maybe, just maybe if it is like today, I'll dig through the hard stuff and breathe in one of my miracle moments, small as it may seem.  I hope.

The Fight that Gets Us Fired Up, Conclusion

It's been three weeks since I told you to come back tomorrow.  For three weeks I've been sitting on that lovely stump called writer's block, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes the best way to get past it is just to write anyway.  It's not always pretty and polished, and sometimes it's just downright ugly, but I have to forge ahead.  (Also, I'm going on nine months without a good night's sleep, so if you think it's terrible, I'll allow you to say, "Bless her heart, she must be tired.")  When I started the series about stay-at-home vs. working moms, I had a million thoughts swimming through my brain, but I just can't quite seem to really get a grip on a single one.  So, I'm going to be a truth-teller, and I can't worry any more about who I'm going to offend or who is going to look at me differently.  For me, it all boils down to this....I'm scared.

I did them both, and I did the best I could at it.  Well, most of the time I did.  For me, the choice is clear that I would love to be at home for as long as I could, but the fact of the matter is that it's just not feasible for our family.  I wish it was, but it's not.  I'm not resentful of the fact that I'll be going back to work, but that doesn't mean that I won't cry sometimes.  I know that so much is going to change as I do return to the world of working moms.  I'd like to say that I will cherish each moment with them and make every moment count, but I won't.  I'll do my best, but sometimes I'll be tired.  Sometimes the best that I'll be able to do is sit on the couch at the end of the day and watch four episodes of Peppa Pig.  I don't judge other moms for doing it, so I'll try to forgive myself as well.  I'll look for those Kairos moments when time stands still and things are perfect, and I will cherish that moment and hold it in my heart with a death grip while I go through my work days until the next time one presents itself.

More than anything I am scared because I don't want my friendships to change.  I have been on the mountains and in the trenches of stay-at-home mommyhood this year, and I know that sometimes moms need an outlet, and soon I'll have work for that while my friends who stay-at-home will be desperately seeking time with other adults and conversations that do not include words like potty or boo-boo.  And although I love teaching and I'm thankful for my career, my heart will ache to be at home, so I'm afraid.  I'm afraid, because I know that sometimes I hear SAHMS complaining about how they feel like they are going to go crazy being home.  Believe me, I've had my days, but I try so hard to keep my complaints to those few friends who have seen me at my best and worst, because I know that broadcasting my "poor me, I have to spend all my time with my children" rants on the Internet is only going to twist the knife of jealousy into the wound of those who desire with everything in them to be at home.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to try to make my life seem perfect....it's not.  Being a mom is HARD, and being a wife is HARD, and sometimes being a friend is HARD, but pretending to be a perfect mom, wife, or friend is harder.   And the hard work of being any and all of those is what makes life so beautiful.  So, whether you love it or hate it, remember that your words effect those in your circle.  Don't judge others for whatever motherhood choices they are making, because you never know their reasons, their stories, or their journeys unless you're willing to really listen.

The Fight That Gets Us Fired Up, Part Two

This is the second part in a three part series about working moms vs. stay-at-home moms.  To be clear, I do not think that one is better than the other, I think that it is a personal choice that every mom must make, taking into account every aspect of their family life.  This is just my thoughts on the positive and negatives that I experienced into my foray into both sides of motherhood.  To get caught up, go back one post and read part one, because you'll be really lost and won't understand a thing if you don't.  No, I'm kidding.  But, here we are now in 2008, and after a year of being home with my firstborn son, I was about to enter the world of the working mom.

As I said, before, I was not happy, but I was doing what I knew I needed to do for our family.  I went into a new district with a nontraditional, high stress classroom setting, and that did not help matters.  The first few weeks, I would cry every time I would think about my son, Brennon, being away from me for so long, but once school actually started, I didn't have time for that.  What I know is this:  I.  Was.  Tired.  Sure, I was pregnant and had a 14 month old, but really I felt stretched thin.  Maybe all working moms don't feel that, but I did.  Thankfully, I had a job that I liked to go to, but I would often think of all those moms that didn't enjoy their jobs.  Moms who were working one and sometimes two jobs out of necessity.  Moms who would spend their time away from their children unhappy.  Moms who (like most working moms) end up spending a lot of their paycheck on childcare.  I realized how precious my time when I was not at work was, and I felt bad.  My poor one friend that I talked about in the last post.  She had been working full-time the whole time and never once complained when I asked her to take time on one of her sacred days off to take care of my child so that I could have a break.  Staying at home, most mothers feel like they need a break like an occasional night out with friends, but as a working mom, my only break was work.  I made a few more friends now that I was outside of the house more, and sometimes they would ask me to go do something with them on a weekend, and I would think, "I already spend so much time away from my kid, why would I want to take even more time away from him?"  It was a completely different dynamic.

New curriculum = More boxes = More forts!  Score one for the working mom!

I worked for four years before taking another year off.  The first year was an adjustment, the second year was my first year working while having two kids.  That year, I was in a dark place.  It wasn't just because I was working.  I struggled with a major bout of postpartum depression.  I had the hardest class of my career.  I wanted to move back home to Springfield.  My husband's career took unexpected turns.  It was a tough year.  This is a time that I feel deserves its own blog post, but frankly, I'm not ready to be as honest about it as I feel I need to be.  The time will come, but not now.  The deal was, I think that it was working at that time that saved me.  I would cry and cry about how much I wanted to be at home with my kids, but sometimes God has you somewhere because he knows what's best for you better than you do.  The routine of having to get up and look decent, going to work, teaching a class, seeing other adults, and trying to make the most of my time with my kids was ultimately a large part of me getting through that time.  I won't ever try to make a working mom feel like I judge her for being away from her kids, because sometimes that's the thing that saves her.

After the darkness was gone, I worked for two more years in a wonderful setting.  It was pretty ideal as far as teaching goes...good school, wonderful team, kids were in good childcare, and we didn't have a lot of unnecessary after-school activities that kept me from going home to my children.  I was good at my job and I loved the children I taught, but because of who I am (not anybody else, just me), my heart still ached to be at home with my kids.  I wouldn't stay after school late to get work done and I wouldn't do any work at home until my kids were in bed asleep.  Because of this, I had a hard time finding balance.  I'm sure that there are working women who rock at this, but it wasn't me.  If you need to grade papers from the time the kids go to sleep until 10:30, you aren't paying much attention to your husband either.  When you have to spend one of your precious weekend days cleaning your house, because the laundry can't do itself during the day, it can be frustrating.  If you come home from work and want to play on the kitchen floor, but have to go make dinner, it can be frustrating, but as a working mom, you make it work.  As a mom who worked, I was always a better manager of my time, because it was such a precious commodity. 

To me, balance was the struggle of the working mother more than anything else.  For this reason, I try my best as a stay at home to honor those women who are trying to do it all, because in my world, it made me weary.  Maybe it's because I live in a real world, where working to me wasn't about trying to show my boys that women can work and be mom, working for me was about trying to contribute to our family financially, and I am thankful that I could do it with a job that I was good at and that I enjoyed.    Thankfully, I feel like I'm a little bit of a natural teacher, because if my job was something that I wasn't too great at on my own, I probably would've cried some more.  My experience as a working mom taught me that your circle of people are there for a reason.  So, if all of your friends are stay at home moms or all of your friends are working moms, why not cross the fence and realize that we all bring something amazing to the table.  We are all moms, and that is magical.

Come back for part three tomorrow....what I've learned now that I've been both.

The Fight That Gets Us Fired Up, Part One.

Working mom vs. Stay-at-home mom.  I don't understand why we need to fight about it.  I really don't.  I think that our world works better with both of us in it, and we should be discussing instead of talking at each other.  Here's the deal, I've done them both.  Mommy guilt is a part of both, and maybe that's what motivates moms to bash the other side, to help them feel better about their own decisions.  I don't know, but I have some thoughts about both that I believe are worth sharing, so that's what I'm here to do.  This post is part one, the stay at home mom of one.

When I was pregnant with Brennon, the hubs and I made plans to move to Kansas.  I'm not going to go into all the details, but the fact was the reason that we were moving was to better our family financially and to make it possible for me to be home with our child(ren in the future).  I was willing to give up my highly desired teaching position at a prominent district in order to be home with my baby.  It was in my heart to do it.  Did I work hard to start my career?  Absolutely.  Did I love teaching?  Of course.  Did I feel like I was taking one in the gut for feminists everywhere?  Um, no.  I also didn't feel like I was persuaded by some secret army of housewives to become one of them.  It was a decision that Ryan and I made together.  It was personal.  I wanted to take the time to savor each and every moment with my son for whom we had waited and waited and waited. 

So, with a three and half week old baby, we moved and got settled and I enjoyed my time at home.  I spent time having fun with my boy.  I didn't make mommy friends, I wasn't as productive as I should have been, and I didn't really think about how my staying at home effected anyone else inside or outside my circle.  I had a much harder time being away from my family than I ever thought I would.  I would second guess my decisions sometimes and wonder if I was doing things wrong.  I probably watched much more television than I should have.  I would ask my one friend to watch him sometimes on the weekend for a few hours, because he was easy and I wanted to have time to just be a couple.  She was great and told me she didn't care, because she had a son who loved Brennon.  I was not a perfect mom at all, but I know I was a good mom, and I loved my boy more than life itself. 

I remember so much about that year with my Brennon.  I remember rocking him, singing to him, watching Baby Einstein and talking about what was on the screen, reading, reading, reading, and more reading.  I remember details about that year, because I'm that crazy lady who feels like I cannot forget anything, because life just won't be as important if there aren't 15,000 pictures to document each year (I'm still working on this!)  I did things like take him to the pumpkin patch and the Christmas parade, because he was sure to remember it all, right?  It wasn't perfect, and I remember thinking that life with a baby was really hard sometimes, but it was my life and I didn't want to change it.  B was such a good baby, and at some point during that year, I remember Ryan's uncle saying, "Oh, he's an easy baby.  She's going to want another one soon." 

See, I told you he'd remember it....and he looks thrilled, right?  His friend, Drake, is the son of my one and only friend that I mentioned.  They are still good friends to this day!

I didn't want to go back to work, but I knew I had to for the financial well-being of our family.  I was sad.  Really, really sad.  I cried a lot.  I cried some more and told that one friend that I was going to miss everything.  I found a great sitter, and I felt a little better.  I told myself it would be okay, because I had the perfect schedule if I did have to work, and then a few days before I went back to work, I found out we were pregnant again.  So, I cried some more.  Not about having another baby.  I wanted that (as predicted by Uncle Right-on-the-Nose).  But I cried because I was hormonal and leaving my baby and probably also because of things like the cankles were coming back or worrying about if my new teacher friends would like me or my hair looked funny today or that pizza didn't have enough sauce.  All valid concerns during pregnancy, but still, what kind of mom would I be leaving my son everyday? 

Now, I'm not judging, remember this was called part one.  Guess what?  There's more.  In fact, there are two more parts to this.  That may seem like too much, but I am certain that every mom out there has either felt or fought from feeling many of the emotions that I will address, and in the next one, it gets real.  I'm going to be completely honest about more than what I'm comfortable with, but what I know needs to be put out there.  Stay tuned...

High Five For Friday!

I love the idea of High Five For Friday (H54F)...looking back on the week and seeing the highlights of where you've been and what you've done.  I've read a lot of blogs that participate, but I never had.  So I decided with a week as packed full as ours was, it was the perfect time for me to do it, so here we go...

1. We started the week in Springfield for Easter.   We sure missed having Ryan there with us on Easter morning, but it was still fun and special as we celebrated our risen Lord with Gramma and Poppo!

2. On Tuesday, my baby Fletcher turned 8 months old!  I hate it!  No, I don't, but it's just that delicate balance between wanting my baby to stay tiny forever and enjoying seeing him grow.  But seriously, I do not like the fact that he's getting past the part where he lets me hold him forever, because he wants to be down and exploring the world around him.  8 months...how can this be?

3. Wednesday was my birthday! Woo hoo! It was actually really super.  The hubs actually stayed home on his day off, took care of all the laundry and dishes, brought me flowers and a gift certificate to a massage (who doesn't love that!?!) and we went to lunch in Bartlesville at my favorite restaurant, Frank & Lola's...YUM!  Also, that night my father-in-law and dear friend, Jenifer came over to join us for carrot cake!  It was such a nice, special day...I really loved it!  And also, who doesn't love birthdays on Facebook? You can't help but feel special!

4. Yesterday was Elegant Day in kindergarten. The kids dressed elegantly, ate elegantly, read and sang elegantly, and ballroom danced together. It was probably the sweetest thing ever, and this mama got a little teary at the sight of Brennon dancing with his sweet friend, Kenedi. It was like a glimpse into his future as I know someday he'll be dancing with a girl (other than me...boo hoo!) at his prom and even his wedding. On those days, I'm sure it will seem like just a whisper away from this day. My son is so handsome, just like his daddy. Be still my heart...

5. Yesterday, Gavin also had an Easter party at preschool. It was so cute. The kids had made fruit kabobs with marshmallows, there was a chocolate fountain, a lemonade fountain, cookies, and an Easter egg hunt. They even told us their Bible verse, all with cute little actions. We love Gavy's school, and he does too!

 

  

Hope y'all have a fab Friday & a great weekend. I sure plan to!
If you want to do your own H54F, you can link up over here!

Life with 3

10 months later, and I'm still here. I cannot believe how much my life has changed since I last blogged. There are about a million things that I can list, but the most important thing is that way back then I was the mom of two precious boys, and now I have three. I heard so many things from my friends who had three or more kids about how much it changes when you have more than two, and as much as they all sounded like cliches, it is so true. We pretty much had it down as parents of two. Oh, not that we were perfect; far from it. Juggling two of anything is really doable: apples, bowling pins, children...believe me, you can do it with some practice. Three is a whole new game.

I'm not at all saying that I don't enjoy having three kids. I do. Really (yes, some days I have to convince myself). It brings me great joy. Yes, joy, frustration, elation, exhaustion, sadness, fun, pride, laughter, and fulfillment all rolled into each and every day. Even now that my baby is seven months old, sometimes I feel like a hormonal, emotional basket case. For a long time I would say that it's just postpartum hormones, but now I think it is just part of being a mom. How could I not feel that every day? My heart is constantly in three pieces, and I'm wearing it on the outside of my body. It's tender, and it gets bounced around and stretched and thrown back together a million times a day.

Staying home with my kids may just add to the mix. I love being home. When I think about going back to work, it makes my heartache. I know that it will come in just a few short months, but for now I'm cherishing my time here. Don't get me wrong, I'm not spending my whole day making lovey eyes at my children. Sometimes cherishing my time at home looks like me pulling my hair out. I have moments every day when I want to freeze time and take a mental picture of how perfect my kids are at this exact moment, and then ten minutes later I am desperately trying to recall that special moment as I put one of them in time-out (for the gazillionth time). I love to hear my kids laugh together. Each bit of laughter is adding to my mom life meter (I have a five year old who is obsessed with video games, it's the best analogy I could come up with) and I try to bank as much of that laughter as I can, because I have no doubt that right around the corner comes the fighting or crying or heaven help me, stepping on a Lego that rapidly depletes it.

Having three makes you more aware that sometimes you are that mom that you've been judging all this time. Yes, I will bribe my kids with the promise of McD's to make it through a trip to Walmart with all three of them. Yes, I will tell them that it's too cold to go to the park when really I don't feel like getting out of the house that day. Yes, I will have nights when I realize that we barely got in five minutes of reading, let alone the recommended 30. Yes, I whisper threats to them in the restaurant to try to get them to quit acting like the kids that they are. Yes, I put off playing with them sometimes to do things like organize a cabinet. Yes, I'll love them with ever fiber of my being, but Lord help me, I'm not about to let them turn out like jerks. Yes, I put them to bed at night and then wonder if I'm doing a good enough job. But I am. I know that I am, because I know that they are my little blessings. I may have to ask my Jesus twenty times a day to give me the strength to not be the worst version of myself, but that's why I know that I am doing a good enough job. Because I know that I care enough about these three precious hearts to be a real and honest mom, even if it's not the pretty, polished version.

I Don't Know How She Doesn't Do It

I'm never going to be that woman.  The woman who everyone looks at and says "I don't know how she does it!"  I don't think this ever really bothered me before, but now that I'm pregnant with our third child, I've been kind of boxing myself daily about why I'm not getting everything done each day.  Maybe it's that little bit of freaking out about if I can't get everything done now, how in the world will I get it done with THREE???  I mean, why am I not finished with a completed to-do list including dinner, papers graded, baths, bedtime, shopping, bills paid, lunches planned, laundry folded, dishes done, doctor's appointments, toys away, and cookies baking in the oven, and blog updated?  (Which is incidentally, why this blog hasn't been updated near as much as I'd like!  I mean, I think about it all the time.  I'll think of something and think, I'm going to blog about that, and well, it just doesn't always happen.)

Besides having the recent revelation that NOBODY does it all, I also realized that I don't want to.  If I am able to do all that I need to do each day completely on my own, what part shall God's grace play in my life?  Due to the fact that I know I cannot in any way get everything done that I would like to get done in my many roles, I know that I have to begin every day by asking God to please help me have strength, wisdom, discernment, and peace. 

Acknowledging my need for God's help doesn't mean I am a flawless mother, wife, or teacher.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  It means that I know my flaws, I know what I'm going to struggle with, including mommy guilt.  That alone, could crush me daily.  The reason it doesn't crush me is because I am aware that most moms deal with mommy guilt.  It can surface in any number of ways.  Maybe today I feel guilty for not getting as much done around the house.  Maybe tomorrow I'll feel guilty for doing too much around the house and not spending enough "quality time" with kids.  A week from now, I could feel guilty about being too harsh with my sons when I know they're only 2 and 4.  Next Wednesday, I can beat myself up for being too tired to make dinner and feeding my kids junkie fast food for dinner.  And a month from now, maybe I'll even feel guilty for making a hair appointment in the evening when I'm already away from my kids all day while I teach.  But the fact of the matter is, mommy guilt is a chameleon.  It can take on whatever form it needs to get its point across.  It is almost certainly the most efficient way that women attack themselves in their daily lives. 

You can think to yourself, "Why can't I get it all done like Sally?"  or "Why can't we have a normal day of errands without meltdowns like Mary and her kids?"  Well, Sally and Mary may look like they've got it all together, but I promise something's not done or at least not done in the right way.  Maybe Sally's a hoarder and Mary's taking little Billy's ADD meds.  Okay, so maybe it's nothing that drastic, but I like to make it really crazy in my head so I seem a little less crazy myself.  Well, that, and I have a really huge need for humor in my life.  So, I ask God to help me remember that he called me to live my life, and nobody else's.  How could I have guilt over not getting everything done when only Sally's called to that anyway?  And so, if my blogs appear few and far between and only the front of my shirt is ironed, I'll still hold my head high and know that I'm getting done with everything God helped me do that day.  After all, I'd rather cross off half my to-do list with his help than the whole thing on my own.  It will help me down the line to teach my children to rely on God's grace.  It will help me keep my sense of humor as a mom, and most of all, it will help me remember that NOBODY really does it all!

Merry Christmas, Darlings

For all those friends and family who don't make the "cut" to have me spend money on stamps, I thought I wanted to post our Christmas letter for this year so that you can also read my end-of-the-year wrap-up. 

Christmas 2011

Dear Family & Friends,

          Merry Christmas!  We hope this letter finds you happy, peaceful, and ready for Christmas!  It seems like each year we think we’ll be done with everything by this time, but it just doesn’t quite happen that way.  That doesn’t mean we aren’t enjoying every minute of this season, just that we have learned to savor the season, even with a handful of craziness mixed in. 

          This year has flown by!  Brennon is 4½ & Gavin is 2½, and they are on the go all the time!  In the fall, Brennon started going to pre-k three days a week at Grace Academy Preschool.  He has made some great friends there, and we are so proud of his hard work.  He also played soccer for the first time, which may have been even more fun for us to watch than it was for him to play!  Brennon loves Batman, Legos, doing art projects, and playing Wii.  Gavin loves Disney Cars, singing and dancing, and playing outside.  Gavin also likes to spend most of this time going from Brennon’s best friend to worst enemy and back again about one thousand times a day.  I guess that’s brothers being brothers. 

         

         Ryan and I have been very blessed to be able to be the ones raising our kids full-time this year.  I’m still teaching second grade here in Coffeyville, but what I mean by that is that our sons very rarely have to go to a sitter.  We have been able to coordinate our schedules so that Brennon and Gavin are home with us most days, except when Brennon is at school.  Ryan is Super-Dad, and he stays home with the boys during the day, and then he is able to work in the evenings so that I can be home with them.  This has been quite a transition for us, but we are so thankful that we are not only saving money, but raising our children ourselves.  We get to enjoy all the little joys and make use of all the teachable moments that crop up day to day. 

As I said earlier, we are enjoying our life, albeit a little crazy.  After all, the craziness doesn’t matter.  It’s all about living in the moment.  I’m not trying to be profound, and I’m certainly not saying anything new.  In fact, we see the same thing in the Bible when Jesus visits Mary and Martha.  Mary sits with Jesus and takes in the moment, while Martha is the Type A hostess who is making sure that the ornaments are spaced correctly on the tree or that the wreath is hanging straight on the door.  I’m comfortable saying this, because I am a Martha.  I work on it constantly, but it’s true, I have to remind myself to be more like Mary.  She wasn’t stressed.  I think that if she was here today, she would be having a very merry Christmas, and as the song says, she would ‘let her heart be light’.  She didn’t miss the blessing that came from stopping everything to sit and take in the presence of her Savior.  Isn’t that truly what this season is all about, after all?  May you get all you wish for in this season of miracles.  We pray peace and blessings for all of you in the New Year.  Merry Christmas!

Christmas Traditions

Merry Christmas!

When I was growing up, we had a lot of special Christmas traditions in our home, and even now that I haven't lived at home in well over a decade, I still think of them this time of year. I love that these traditions were so important and unique to our life and they weren't about anything other than our family being together, enjoying the season, and making memories.

Here's my dad and I before we moved from Pennsylvania (and before he lost all his hair...notice when I was the only child, he had plenty of hair.  I blame it all on my siblings!)

 I was so excited to get my first kitchen! 

My cousins Karri and Krista only made it more fun to play with!

This is my first Christmas as a big sister.  Check out that awesome boombox!

One of those traditions was that my brother, Kyle, sister, Shannon, and I used to cut out snowflakes to decorate the large picture window in the living room of our parents' home. We would try to create the most intricate snowflake and were so happy to have them hanging up, they may not have been fancy, but we made them and when it really did snow, it looked magical as the light hit our magnified slowflakes.

Yes, my eyes are closed, but other than that it's a picture of Christmas morning....and you can see our snowflakes hanging in the background!

I always loved decorating our tree. My parents made us feel as if the decorating we did was just as important as the decorating they did. I love that it was always a family affair, although it usually ended up being my mom and us kids, because after becoming thoroughly disgusted with trying to find that one lightbulb that was causing the whole strand of lights problems, he would mumble about the ridiculousness of the situation and then retire to the family room to watch.....wait for it.....football. (Shocker!) I still have my favorite ornaments on my parents tree. My parents gave many of the ornaments from their tree to myself and my siblings to hang on our own trees now, but there are a few that are still on the tree at my mom & dad's house that I just love. I don't know what it is about them, but they make me smile. There's one that is a pink and white crocheted mailbox that is so cute--I just love it! Then there's the one made by my grandmother, Esther, who I will not have the chance to meet until I meet her in heaven. I love the intricacy of the beads and knowing that her hands made it. I can tell it was made with love, just as I can see from the lives of her four children that she poured love into all she did in her too-brief life her on earth. I love that the traditions of the tree have carried into my own home, as the Christmas music plays and I allow my boys to hang the ornaments wherever they choose. You want to put a candy cane on that branch that already has six ornaments? Sure, go ahead! Great job, sweetie! And somehow magically, those ornaments are spaced out the next morning.....must be those mischevious elves!

I loved Christmas Eve. We would have an amazing meal, and then do the most important thing of the season. We would sit in front of the fire and read the Christmas story. We would say a prayer afterwards, and then we would each open one gift. A little precursor of the joy to come in the morning. Then Kyle and Shannon would always have a sleepover in my room and we would watch Home Alone and drink hot chocolate. I think of them every time I see the movie now, and I cannot let a Christmas season goes by without watching it. I remember waking up early, so, so early in the morning and begging our parents to get out of bed because SANTA CAME!!!! Even when I was in high school, I still remember feeling so excited to wake up on Christmas morning. I think I might have been too cool to act like it, so I probably pretended to have an attitude and be annoyed by my siblings waking up early, but inside I was doing cartwheels and singing "Joy To The World" at the top of my lungs. We would always open presents and then have a good breakfast together. It was magical.



My dad used to dress up as Santa for the younger cousins.  Have you been naughty or nice?

The best thing about these traditions are that they are all focused on our single family unit. Although I love seeing my aunts, uncles, and cousins, these traditions were centered around our family. They may seem silly or trivial to an outsider, but as someone who lived it, these are memories that I wouldn't trade for the world. As much joy as I feel in my heart as I recount these traditions, it makes me so excited for Christmas with my own family. We have started traditions ourselves already, but I wonder what kind of traditions we will have in the years to come. I can only imagine how the two most special little boys I know will choose to make the most important day of the year even more special to me. Whatever it is, I know there will be smiles, laughter, love, and plenty of hot chocolate for us all.

A New Thanksgiving

     This year, we decided to do Thanksgiving in our own home, and it was completely different than any other holiday we've ever had, but it was so very nice and I loved every minute of it.  I missed seeing my family, but we were able to have a great afternoon with Mimi, Papa, Gigi, and Poppi. 

     In true type-A fashion, I was able to not stress at all, because I had already made a document with all my recipes I would use in the order I would use them, a to-do list with times, and a schedule of when everything had to be cooked.  I know that may seem a little crazy to some people, but it makes my life so much easier!  So, on Wednesday, we made pumpkin pie (which I forgot to take a picture of, but I can assure you was scrumptious nonetheless)....

and cranberry sauce....

    and sweet potatoes.....

And then on Thanksgiving, while we half-heartedly watched the Macy's parade,

We made stuffing...

 and green bean casserole...

             and creamy corn...

and rolls, and I heated up the turkey.  I didn't have to fully cook it since  I decided that I didn't want to chance my first Thanskgiving as host being a disaster with a failed attempt at turkey.  So, I let Honey Baked Ham do the job, and it was delicious!

      Since Brennon has learned how to write so well already, he wanted to write placecards or "nametags" for everyone.  Although I helped him spell, he wrote them completely on his own.  He also asked me to help him figure out how to spell a message on the fridge with magnets.  My sweet boy!  I pray he keeps his tender heart and always wants to do special things for the people he loves.

                             

         After stuffing ourselves silly and then going back for seconds, we talked and talked, Brennon tried to teach Pop to play Wii Lego Batman, and enjoyed relaxing in our own home with family, coffee, and entertainment courtesy of two very rambunctious little fellas. 

          I was so thankful for a perfect Thanksgiving and for being able to host my in-laws and grandparent in-laws.  A lot has changed in the last few years for our family.  We've gone through a lot, sometimes more than it seems we could handle.  Maybe because of all this, it was even more special to be together on this day where we remember all the blessings that God has brought into our lives.  It was a new kind of Thanksgiving, a new kind of normal, but it made me even more thankful that we are able create new traditions and enjoy them just as much as anything else we've done in the past.  It gives me hope for more than just this day, but for every day in our new normal world.

Well, It's About Time....

Yes, I'm still alive!  I have several reasons that I haven't been blogging, first of which is that I hadn't realized how little free time I would have for blogging once school started back up.  I also very much am in need of a new computer, so it's hard to make myself type on something that frustrates me.  Last of all, the last few months have been less than easy, and I didn't create this blog to be one of those girls who just constantly vents for the sake of commiserating in misery.  However, despite the fact that craziness ensues, I also have had a lot of joys in the last few months.  My Brennon started preschool, and every single day I amazed at how much he has learned. 

I have always known that he was a smartie, but he is so inquisitive that I love our conversations about everything from the north star to title pages.  I LOVED the first time that I had to sit in the pick-up line at school waiting for my boy to come out.  I felt like I was growing up myself.  I also have to note that I don't know if I have ever smiled as much as I did watching Brennon at school when I got to observe and help out on party day.  It was so much fun!

We have also had some great family time, whether as far away as Branson and "Silba Dolla City" or just in our own area with day trips. 

We went to Silver Dollar City with Gramma, Auntie Shannie, Uncle Kyle, and cousin Zoe.  The boys LOVED it!  Of course, now with the Christmas commercials starting, they keep saying that we need to go back.  This was our first time to take our kiddos, and let me just say that I cannot believe how often I went there as a kid.  It is so much harder when you have kids of your own!  I loved it, and we will be going much more often as the kids get older, but I was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D!  Actually, I can't even think of the right word for it, because exhausted doesn't even begin to cover it. 

To get out and about on the weekend, we spent one Saturday not too far from home, going to see Big Brutus.  Let me tell you, I have never felt so much like a mother of boys as on this day.  Big Brutus is basically a giant electric shovel out in the middle of nowhere that was left where it was used after they stopped using it in the 70s.  It was definitely cool, because it was gigantic, but you would have thought that we took the boys to the Taj Mahal the way that they were oohing and aahing at the thing.  In true form, I did end up with a giant bruise on my leg from crawling through one of the openings several stories up.  Who would expect any less? 

We also took our annual trip to the pumpkin patch, which gets more and more fun every year.  That isn't because they add things like the giant corn bin for the boys to play in or that they were finally interested in doing the corn maze, but because of the pure joy and excitement that seems to grow every year.  Every year, I think that the boys could not have more fun at the pumpkin patch than they did the year before, but somehow they do.  We really had to work hard to pick up pumpkin this year, because it was the first time that everyone had an opinion.....I don't know if I'm ready for that stage yet!

Our last major event of the last few months was, of course, Halloween.  Brennon and Gavin were Captain Hook and Mr. Smee, and I must say that they were quite cute in their costumes!  I slaved away with my novice sewing skills to make Brennon's costume, but was able to throw Gavin's costume together pretty easily.  It may be due to my sewing, or maybe just because Gavin was so stinkin' cute in that Smee costume, but he was the one that ended up winning 3rd prize in our local downtown costume contest!  He won an art set, which he willingly shares with Brennon, since Brennon said, "Gavin couldn't have really won without me, since we are a pair".  They are so funny!  We had a lot of fun trick-or-treating and going to Neewollah.  We got way too much candy, and we are finally getting over the fact that Halloween won't come again for a whole "nother" year. 

My cute little pirate crew!

Mommy and her boys!

I love this picture of Poppo and the boys at Neewollah

Despite all these fun places and events, one of the best things of the past few months has been becoming a "soccer mom".  Soccer at age 4 is many things, but a true version of the sport, it is not.  It was so funny to see the kids act like magnets to that ball.  Brennon finally scored a goal on our last game of the season, and he did awesome!  He also created a new running style just for games called "the helicopter".  It's hilarious to watch, as he runs down the field swinging his arm in circular motions.  Well, I was always told I had a great imagination, so I guess he comes by it naturally.

That should about catch me up.  I apologize for the novel here, but now that I'm caught up, I can do better about blogging on a much more regular basis.  I feel like sometimes I have so much to write about that I can't decide what to say, then I just end up not writing at all.  Well, my Thanksgiving resolution is to be a better blogger.  I know that's not a real thing, but it is for me.  Well, now it is, anyway.  You'll see.  You can be thankful for my awesome words gracing your screen more often, or that maybe you'll see I'm just as scattered as anyone else, but I'm doing the best I can to be a mom.  Sometimes I feel victorious, sometimes I fall on my face, but by the grace of God, I can get up and start again.  I remember to learn along this journey as much as I can, because I will be a better teacher to my kids if I am learning along the way.  The thing I have learned most recently is that no matter where you go, sometimes you make the best memories by just being....no matter where you are.