The Darkness Before the Light

Almost exactly a year ago, I remember sitting with a dear friend at the park and confiding in her something that I was really afraid to verbalize up until then.  While watching the kids play and sipping on our chocolate shakes, I said, "I'm afraid that I will never have a strong connection with Gavin." 

There were several reasons for me to say this.  He always had gravitated toward Ryan, we are so much alike that we often butt heads, but mostly I was afraid that I had lost that critical bonding time with him when he was so small.  I went into a deep, dark postpartum depression that scared me to the core.  The truth of the matter is, I don't remember a lot of those earlier days with Gavin.  I think the memories are fuzzy as a way of protecting me, because as most of my friends and family know, my memory is like a steel trap (except for things I need at the store or errands I should run).  I remember the first few weeks when my mom stayed with us, but after that it kind of becomes a haze of colicky nights and mastering the art of avoiding other people.  There were also a lot of other stressful things happening in our lives at that time with my work, family health, etc...that certainly didn't add to the situation.  I have a few memories that were bright moments of perfection that pierced the darkness that surrounded my soul.  I remember things like going to the kiddie park, trips to Kansas City and visiting family, but the day-to-day stuff, the place where life really happens, is kind of a blur.   Not everything was bad, I mean, how can it be with a baby as precious as Gavin (once the colicky part was done).  There were days that were better than others, I have pictures where I can see real and genuine smiles, but there's a lot where you can also see a smile that isn't really there. 

Gavin's first laugh.  This I remember.

Thank God I was with it enough to plan this.  I mean, how cute are they?

Gavin's first Christmas.  More real smiles from both of us.

This picture made me sad.  This is an example of the blur of this time.  I cannot remember Brennon's room ever being arranged this way.  I just kept staring at it and wondering if I had a hand in it. 

I have started praying in the last year or so that God would give me back the memories without showing me the darkness that I was living in during that time.  It's the kind of darkness that if light was shined on it, the light wouldn't make the darkness disappear, it would just illuminate all of the ugliness that the darkness had caused.  Thank God that I had a friend who cared about me enough to resist the way I was pushing her [everyone] away, and suggest that I consider my options as far as medication*.  I couldn't go back though, and by the time that cracks of light began to shine through, I had missed a lot.  I pray that I am a natural enough mother that I was as good to him during that time as I should have been. 

When Gavin was 10 months old, I was rocking him and I remember I started singing to him.  It was such a breakthrough and I was crying because I felt like I really wanted to sing.  It wasn't a halfhearted rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle anymore.  I wanted to sing to my boy in a way that he would know that his momma loved him.  We picked up from there.  I couldn't think about everything I had missed. 

My husband was amazing with Gavin.  He must have just known exactly what he needed and gave it to him.  They were a natural fit.  My little boy who shared my looks had a heart that belonged to his one and only, his daddy.  I am so glad they have that bond, and it's hardly fair for me to be jealous of it, because the connection I have always had with Brennon (Ryan's mini-me) has been strong.  At this time, Ryan was also staying home with the boys during the day while I worked.  (And then he worked at night....go, husband!  I mean, I can't imagine working and then working some more.  He's a champion!)  So it seemed natural that Gavin would be close with him, but it still hurt my feelings that every time he got hurt or scared, he never wanted me.  He wanted his daddy.  But that day in the park, I said what I was really afraid of, and it just made me more scared.

Although I'm going to stop here, please don't be sad for me.  I want you to understand my story, my journey, where and how far I've come.  Because the story is far from over, and I think you needed to see this part, because this part has shaped me, so that when I talk to you about what happens next, you will smile along with me too.


*I am in no way suggesting that medication is the necessary treatment for everyone who experiences postpartum depression.  I am simply stating that it is a very real medical condition and ignoring it or pretending it is not there will not make it go away. 

3 Years Have Flown By....

Almost two weeks ago now, my little baby turned three.  I know, I know, he isn't my little baby anymore, but he still so is.  Gavin is the boy who helps me see more and more that personality can be strong from the beginning, that children certainly do inherit both the best and worse from their parents, and that humor is undoubtedly necessary in everyday life.  There is so much to say about my Gavs, that I just had to take the time to think back about how we got to this point.  Just a warning, I love this little boy more than life itself, so if I get mushy, well, you've been warned.

My pregnancy with Gavin was so different than that of Brennon.  He gave us scares.  He made sure his entrance was unforgettable:  2 weeks early, the cord wrapped around his neck two times, and wrapped around his big toe once (so that every time that he was kicking, he was pulling the cord), and then we dealt with jaundice for the first week of his life.  His first few months were hard:  colic, a snowstorm the day he came home, postpartum depression, and colic....oh and colic.  Ugh!  But even from the beginning, he was my little cuddle bug.  He would pull his legs up under his tummy and he would snuggle his face into my neck and just cuddle.  He would happily stay in my baby sling, so close to my heart for an hour at a time.  He brought me so much agony (did I mention that he was colicky), and so much joy from the moment he entered our world. 

I'm sure I'm not the only mom to ever compare her children, but I found that having two kids so close together made it especially hard.  During his first year, Gavin ate food sooner (which at the time I thought was from me loosening up as a mom, but now that I see what a foodie Gavin is, it doesn't surprise me at all), he laughed sooner and much more often (still no shocker), and although he became mobile later, once he started, he didn't care so much about walking as he did climbing!   Brennon was so neat and clean, and Gavin was just all over the place.  He didn't care if the spaghetti ended up just as much in his hair or the wall as it did in his mouth.  Brennon was quiet, and Gavin was loud.  He didn't really care as much about television, which is still the case, and he LOVED music.  Gavin loves to sing, be sung to, and dance, dance, dance!  I remember a time when he was probably only about a year and half that the Sunday school teacher said to me that she was shocked about what rhythm Gavin had. 

As Gavin continued to grow, I would see the best (expressive, loving) and worst of me (temper....uh, yes) demonstrated in him.  I love that he looks like me, but I think that's just because my handsome Brennon looks like Ryan's mini-me.  My mom showed my brother, Kyle, a picture of me when I was about 5 months old, and Kyle asked why we put Gavin in a dress.  I love it!  He is my mini-me, only with less hair bows!



At age 2, he started sticking out his tongue and making funny faces in pictures....

Gavin is now three years old, and I see personality, personality, personality!  He loves his family, his friends, and animals.  He goes from talking about how much he loves them and being charming in general to teasing in no time flat.  He will tell Brennon that he loves him and that he is his best friend and then bring sibling rivalry to new levels within a span of two minutes.  He loves to tease, especially because he is able to get to Brennon.  I was shocked when Gavin was only two and a half and he was taunting his older brother saying that he bought him "girly princess stuff" for Christmas.  He loves to make silly faces when you take his picture, have his "neck meat" tickled, and use his wild imagination.  He is still my cuddle bug, only now it happens when the mood strikes, and he is uber-competitive (I do not know where he gets that, ahem!)  He loves to feel like he's done something, and I love when he says, "I can do it by by my myself!"  Although I sometimes do worry about his pronunciation, I have to admit that I will absolutely miss the way that he says somethings when he grows out of it.  I mean, will I even know who he's talking about when he calls him "Brennon" instead of "Bwennon"?  He tries my patience almost daily, but he also has me (and many of my friends) wrapped around his finger.  I am so happy that is a part of my life, and that God gave us someone to make us laugh through every situation.  And on a side note, I apologize future teachers, because I know what it is like to have a class clown on your hands, but please know, I kid you not when I say that he will keep a smile on your face and laughter in your heart each and every day!  I love you, my Gavy, you are my sweet, silly boy, and Mommy loves all that you are...I always will!

Helicopter Closing In!

I feel like I need to clarify something up front here....I am not a helicopter mom, but I am always close enough that I know if something went seriously wrong, I could swoop in if needed.  I was better at hovering when I was a SAHM with Brennon, but now I am much better at stepping back, allowing my boys to try to solve most problems on their own, and jumping in to play with them for short intervals.  Ok, so now that you know that, let me tell you about something that has been on my mind pretty much non-stop for the past 24 hours.   

Yesterday after school, the boys and I went swimming at my friend Leslie's house after school.  It was sweltering outside again, and it wasn't worth even being outside without being in the pool, so it was a perfect day to relax in the pool (especially after Leslie and I--and the rest of the second grade teachers--were testing kids all day at school).   We had spent pretty much all summer in the pool at either Leslie's house, the water park, my Aunt Nancy's house, or Mimi & Pop's house...oh, and in our little backyard pool too, of course.  At the beginning of the summer, I had to spend most of an afternoon coaxing the boys into the pool.  They just wanted to hang out on the stairs or "on dry land".  Finally, they were both loving being in the water and becoming little fishes who were becoming quite happy to be in the water.  I love that, because now they wanted to jump off the side or even the diving board and have me catch them or they'd want to swim around the pool hanging on to me or sometimes they just wanted to throw things in and have me dive after them.  Anyway, we were really having fun swimming.  Each time we went swimming, I became a little more comfortable with them being around the water myself and I didn't worry so much about them.  They knew their limits and I trusted that they would pay attention to them. 

Back to yesterday, I was taking times swimming the boys around the pool and I had just set Brennon up on the side.  I took off my sunglasses and set them on the side of the pool, and then I was swimming back and forth across the shallow end while the boys played on the side of the pool.  I had just come up from going under to get my hair wet and cool myself off in the 105 degree heat, when I hear a splash.  I look over and Gavin is under the water.  I probably was moving close to the speed of light to swim to him, but it felt like the entire world was moving in slow motion.  I have never felt such sheer terror in my heart as I saw the top of his head barely peeking out of the top of the water. I know that he could not have been under the water for more than 2 full seconds, but it seemed like an eternity. 

He was fine, just scared, but I know that he couldn't have been more scared than I was.  It was awful.  I hugged him and squeezed him and loved him a little more.  I cannot imagine what could have happened so quickly if I hadn't been right there, paying better attention, hovering closely by.  So, my helicopter might be a little closer at the pool next time, but more than anything I have thought about my boys nonstop since then.  Before bed, I said extra thanks for them, first thing this morning, I gave thanks for them being safe, healthy boys, and throughout the day I couldn't wait to see them.   I'm not going to become a crazy worrying, controlling mom.  That's not me, but I may just move my helicopter's perimeter a bit closer. 

Today, my friend Leslie said she was impressed with how calm I was and how well I handled it, and I thought to myself, "SERIOUSLY, I was a mess!"  So, hug your kids and remember tonight how much you have to be thankful for, because I now understand how quickly something could change.  Thank God it didn't.  Or maybe it did, just not in any way that you could see or that would change my Gavy....instead it changed me and made me realize that no matter how tired I am at the end of the day, I have so much to be thankful for.